Why Momma Needs To Get Her Groove Back *TMI!!!*

Since Jaden has been born, Greg and I have only had sex twice.  And we have "attempted" 3 times.  That means, less than once a month we "get it on".  He tries to no avial to get me in the mood to have sex, but I always seem to turn him down.  He is still very attractive in my eyes and I would like to be intimate, but I just can't for some reason.

And "for some reason" I mean these:
*I have let myself go.  I am the fattest I have ever been.  And I am disgusted at how gross I really am. 
*I love to have my breasts played with.  While they are not techicnally off limits, I feel weird about what I feed my child is also Daddy's play things.
*Jaden is still co-sleeping with us.  I love having my little boy next to me, but that kind of limits how "sexy time" happens.  It has to be planned out.  And more than likely-it won't happen in the bed.
*Physcially, it's hard to have it right now.  I don't want to go into too many details with that.
*And well...it hurts.  Not where you might think, either.  Whenever I get "turned on", my c-section scar itches and aches.  I was told that it could happen.  And that if it did become an issue, there is nothing that can be done for it.  (Lucky me.)

For a little bit, Greg was understanding...well as understanding as a man could be.  But now, it's really starting to effect or relationship.

We once had a spark.  I can't explain it.  But we were so "on" with one another.  We had the same thoughts, we could litterally finish eachothers' sentences.  Now, it's like we're becoming strangers.  We lost that "spark".  I feel like he's falling out of love with me, and me with him.

And that depresses me to no end.  I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him.  But I think I have pushed him away and used with holding sex as some sort of punishment.  Why do I subconciously feel like I need to punish him?  I have no idea, but I need to figure it out. 

Because I will not let the fact that we have a child change our sex lives.  Even if it means me not enjoying it for a while...I need to try at least.  I cannot lose that man because of a low sex drive.  I got to make it work somehow.   Greg is worth at least a good honest college try. 

Let's just hope I can somehow make this work.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Definate Woe Is Me Post

For three long months I took Zoloft to help with my PPD.  Everyday it hurt me to take it.  But, I thought I would get over my PPD faster.  I felt better.  I didn't want to be on it anymore.  I was SO wrong to do that.  With my DR's permission,  I stopped.

We were so wrong. 

I should have never done that.  Now I'm even more depressed than before.  I can't stand up and rock and dance with my Son.  I can't sleep.  I can't feel my hands.  I physically cannot smile or laugh or say a few words because the muscles in my jaw/neck are so tight, it's hurts.  Standing has become a major feat.  Changing diapers is almost impossible.  Forget about the snaps on a onesie.  My eyes are doing better though except for the fact they keep watering and I look more tired than  what I really am. Another positive is my feet aren't numb anymore.

I am so distraught over this.  I can't believe this is happening.  I know it'll probably get better, but at this very moment I am so afraid that I am going to stay like this forever.  That somehow, this isn't reversible.  And those thoughts aren't helping.  I need to stay positive and relaxed if I want my anxiety to go away.  Maybe if I stay relaxed enough the drugs will help more. 

I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my body anymore.  I feel so helpless.  And again, all this is doing is making me more depressed.  The only thing that get me through the day is this...

...this face and knowing I have the love of...

...this man.

I might be depressed but  know who cares about me:  a best friend who would listen to me sob on the phone when I get the news.  A baby who laughs whenever I sing a certain song.  A man who loves me even though I don't deserve his affection.

So why can't I be happy?


Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Not Going To Let This Get To Me

I've spent the better part of this past week feeling depressed and sorry for myself.  I didn't want to leave the house or do much of anything.  Whenever someone would ask me about it, I would brush it off or just become a ball of tears.  It sucks.  This is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life and all I can do is feel down on myself.  I woke up this morning and my "fog" was lifted a little.  It's beautiful out and I want to go out and experience it. 
What really is hard though is that Greg blames himself a little for my depression.  We don't go out very much anymore, and he knows that hurts me.  I'm not saying we have to do something every minute of every day, but we used to just go out and ride around when we first started dating.  Now all we do is go to softball maybe twice a week to see a team suck so bad...and a team manager stare at my tits.  I'm so sick of sitting in this house and counting out change to save for the baby.  Some days I literally feel like my mind is melting.

This weekend though, we're planning on going to see a band.  It's just a cover band and it's going to be at a bar...but it's something.  It's a change of pace.  I know I'll probably not enjoy myself, but at least I won't be contained to these four walls.  Yes, there will be a lot of drunk people and smoking...but I don't care.  Maybe I'll even get to go bowling.  And maybe Greg will take me out to dinner to Olive Garden like he was hinting.

As far as today, I think I'm going to go to the mall.  I have no idea if I'm going to get anything (Although Motherhood Maternity has a sale on tank tops) but it'll be nice just to not be in the house.  All I know is that my toes need done like yesterday, and I'm feeling that I deserve a pedicure.  And I think I might get my hair cut too.  I no longer have hair...I have a friggen lion's main.  Seriously...it's l-o-n-g and c-u-r-l-y.  Mommy hasn't been feeling pretty lately, and I deserve a little something.

I just hope that today I can just get out of this funk.

Now, for a little rant, cause pregnant women need to rant at least 30883479024372 times a day.

HOW HARD IS IT TO PUT UP A FLIPPING BABY GATE?????  We don't even latch it so it's tight up against the wall, it just leans against the steps.  It takes less than a second to just put it up behind you.  But noooo you REFUSE to do it.  So the next time your little mutt of a dog goes upstairs...I will pull you by the horse face and push your face into his mess and make you lick it up.  Cause frankly...it's getting harder and harder for me to get on my knees and scrub up his piss and crap off of the floor.  And so help me God, if  any of the dogs figure out a way to get into the nursery...you will be buying me a brand new carpet...and having it professionally installed.  Ohhhhh and keep your "boyfriend's" kid away from me.  Yes, he's 2...but he pulls on shit, like my shirt, and makes me almost fall.  And I don't think he wants to be squished by a very hormonal and bitchy and frankly HUGE women.  Jus' sayinggggg....keep him away from me.

Oh and don't make comments about my spending habits and how my fiancee works so I don't have to.  You've been on "disablity" since your boys were in diapers (now 18 and 21) and you don't have a damn thing wrong with you.  And then you bitch because your eldest son doesn't have a job because he decided to threaten his uncle with a gun...and your younger son doesn't want to work.  He's 18 and he has the energy of a 109 year old man.  Next time you complain that I don't give my in-laws any money just remember who's paying most of thier bills.  And then realize that my in-laws pay for you to go to the buffet almost every day. 

Oh....and I can hear what you are saying when you're downstairs...and no...I didn't gain THAT much weight.  I'm secure in the fact that I'm fat and I don't need to starve myself to think that I'm beautiful.

:D  Have a great day, everyone
~MommyToBee

Home?

Lately I've been feeling lonesome and about 20 other shades of depressed.  I know Greg is trying his best to keep me together...but honestly, he can't get get my out of this funk.  I've been walking a little more...cleaning when I can.  (I was told yesterday all the work I did was for nothing...because Greg won't be able to move things around this weekend.)  But lately I just want to not be here.  I don't want to be around his family...especially when they are driving me nuts.  I don't need someone to ask me where I'm going or when I'm going to be home.  I guess that's the drawback when you're too broke to move out on your own.

It's times like this when I miss home.  I miss my family...even if they are crazy.  I miss to downtime of it all.  Hell, I almost miss the smell.  To me, York isn't home.  But it's Greg's home, and I would never make him uproot his life like I did willingly almost 2 years ago.  (Wow...it's been that long?)  Now I wish I could change that decision.  I'm not a city girl.  This country girl is missing home more than anyone knows.

Even if we were to save money and find a place up there, either Greg or I or both would have to find jobs immediately.  And in this economy, I don't see how that's possible.  Yes, it's looking up, but it could still take an additional 2 years to get on the right track.  Frankly, Greg has a good thing going where he works.  Yes, he's *only* a temp, but he's in good with the bosses.  And apparently the head wearhouse boss is trying to get him a first shift job, as soon as one opens up.  Chris (the wearhouse boss) wants him to stay with the company.  She even offers him overtime when she can.  As much as I hate to say it, he needs this job and we can't really think about moving away from it.

I'm sure my depressive thoughts are not helped by the fact that I've been lacking sleep and sick the past few days.  Since I'm working on trying not to complain so much (especailly to Greg, he doens't need to hear about it all the time) I've "suffered in silence" since Sunday.  I can't seen to get comfortable at night, and when I do, I have the worst nightmares.  Then when I wake up in the morning I have these terrible headaches that don't go away.  I know it might not seem like a whole lot but when you're not sleeping and all you want is sleep?  It starts to get to you.  I'm pretty sure my body is just preparing me for when Little Man comes.  But really body, do we have to start a whole 19 weeks before he's due? 

Hormones are not my friend.  Not my friend at all. 

I think it actually might be time to just relax a little until this headache chills out for a little. 
Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Too much snow.

Lots of snow fell this weekend on the Mid-Atlantic region.  Here in York we got 24 inches of the white stuff and there is already a winter storm warning for Tuesday and Wednesday.  They're calling for 6 inches.  But I'm expecting for more.  It stinks.  I thought we were going to start warming up.  :(  Nevermind I guess.

Now here I sit with my laptop and a stack of coupons and grocery ads and wondering when I started to get old.  I've been saving and saving for this baby (which is good) but I'm starting to feel a little...selfish?  I haven't had a haircut since April.  None of my clothes fit anymore.  And all the food I buy is on sale.  Now, I know I need to save money, but I want a little something for myself.  I feel silly for saying it, but it's true.  I know Greg tries to spoil me as much as he can but he knows about the lack of money too.  And he really has no clue that I feel like this.

Does this mean I'm going to be a terrible mom?  I hope not.  That's kind of what's been bumming me out lately.  That and I'm not allowed to play in the snow.

Until next time
~MommyToBee