Why Momma Needs To Get Her Groove Back *TMI!!!*

Since Jaden has been born, Greg and I have only had sex twice.  And we have "attempted" 3 times.  That means, less than once a month we "get it on".  He tries to no avial to get me in the mood to have sex, but I always seem to turn him down.  He is still very attractive in my eyes and I would like to be intimate, but I just can't for some reason.

And "for some reason" I mean these:
*I have let myself go.  I am the fattest I have ever been.  And I am disgusted at how gross I really am. 
*I love to have my breasts played with.  While they are not techicnally off limits, I feel weird about what I feed my child is also Daddy's play things.
*Jaden is still co-sleeping with us.  I love having my little boy next to me, but that kind of limits how "sexy time" happens.  It has to be planned out.  And more than likely-it won't happen in the bed.
*Physcially, it's hard to have it right now.  I don't want to go into too many details with that.
*And well...it hurts.  Not where you might think, either.  Whenever I get "turned on", my c-section scar itches and aches.  I was told that it could happen.  And that if it did become an issue, there is nothing that can be done for it.  (Lucky me.)

For a little bit, Greg was understanding...well as understanding as a man could be.  But now, it's really starting to effect or relationship.

We once had a spark.  I can't explain it.  But we were so "on" with one another.  We had the same thoughts, we could litterally finish eachothers' sentences.  Now, it's like we're becoming strangers.  We lost that "spark".  I feel like he's falling out of love with me, and me with him.

And that depresses me to no end.  I truly want to spend the rest of my life with him.  But I think I have pushed him away and used with holding sex as some sort of punishment.  Why do I subconciously feel like I need to punish him?  I have no idea, but I need to figure it out. 

Because I will not let the fact that we have a child change our sex lives.  Even if it means me not enjoying it for a while...I need to try at least.  I cannot lose that man because of a low sex drive.  I got to make it work somehow.   Greg is worth at least a good honest college try. 

Let's just hope I can somehow make this work.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Two posts within 24 hours? *tmi!*

Both of my men are sleeping soundly.  Although I was so against co-sleeping in the beginning I'm really enjoying it.   I just find it very funny that a tiny 16 pound baby takes up more room than his not so little mommy.


It does pose it's problems though.  For one, Greg and I can't have...alone time.  Granted my sex drive is ohhhh next to zero but it is starting to come back (I'll explain why in a moment).  It's kind of hard to have sexiness and adult cuddles when there's a little guy in between.  Perhaps I might move his crib into our room.  From there we might transition him to his own room?  I don't know.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he would do great in his crib, in his own room.  I think I'm the one who will have separation anxiety.


But, I can't sleep with him in the bed anymore.  It's painful for me since I sleep on the edge of the bed.  Never have I had so many knots in my back.  But its so easy to put him back to sleep!  He starts crying, I pull out a boobie and within 5 minutes he's clunked out and I'm off to dream land.


But, there is a price to pay.  Greg and I have been having some issues lately.  My sex drive has been non existent since Boo was born.  Which its normal for new moms to just not be in the mood like they once were.  It's especially hard for me since I am so disgusted by my new "motherly" body.  Let's face it.  I am super obese.  It's not even a matter of aesthetics anymore.  It's a health issue.  When I look in the mirror, I want to cry.  I am proud of every stretch mark that handsome little boy gave me...but...Momma is ready to lose the weight.


Sorry, I got off track.


Point is, Greg has never been more attracted to me.  He says that I am even more beautiful then the day he met me because I am the mother of his child.  (OMG can you say AWWWW?)  But I don't feel beautiful.  In fact, I feel down right ugly.  Since I don't have any self esteem...I don't want sex.  Which leads to me asking Greg about a million times a day why he can't keep his hands off of me or why he can't just be sweet instead of raunchy all the time. 


Because of this, I slowly started to tap out of the relationship.


I'll admit it.  I am madly in love with my fiancee.  I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  But, I was prepared to walk away from it all and tell him that I can't be what he wants me to be anymore.


When I told him that I was getting ready to leave with Jaden for a week...he finally got the message.


He understood that I need a break from our little guy.  Yes, I love him with all my heart...but Momma needs a little breather.  I need to spend a few hours away so I remember what it's like to miss Greg.   And I need a chance to be away from Boo so he doesn't always cling to me.  I might sound selfish...but I give up so much already.  I would give anything for them.  But right now.  I need just a little for me.

We just have to work on a few things.  I'm not ready to give up.  But I'm also not willing to be walked over like I was.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee