Things have just been really busy/stressful since Jaden's arrival. I'm getting used to having a little one around, but it is a big adjustment. Everyday I swear he gets bigger. And everyday I swear I get a little more tired.
Things have been...hard...lately. I find myself being angry at Greg a lot. There's no reason for my anger but I can't help it. I know he has to work, but he doesn't realize that my job doesn't have an 8 hour day. Even when I think I'm done, I keep going. Maybe I resent him for being able to sleep while I have to watch Jaden's chest go up and down. Maybe I worry that somehow I don't measure up.
Maybe I need to talk to my OB on Monday about possible PPD.
...Maybe what I thought I could avoid, is unavoidable.
Although I am 2 weeks out from having him, I'm still having a rough recovery. When they removed my staples my incision opened up. I now have to go back twice a week to make sure it doesn't get infected. Everyday I have to deal with the nerve pain that's associated with a c-section. And although it's not as bad as it once was, it still hurts. And the weird "fluid pouch" that happened following my surgery is still there and showing no signs of going away.
I don't want to say that my birthing experience wasn't pleasant, but the recovery is hell.
*Speaking of me being angry...I just had to yell at Greg because apparently, I can't have 10 minutes to update my blog. No, I have to talk to him constantly...plus ward off his advances...soothe our son (since he's a "momma's boy")...and make about a million decisions about our life.*
Jaden is doing extremely well. He's breastfeeding and is a pro at it. We had some ups and downs but he knows what he's doing. He eats alot though. I swear he's about 12 lbs so far, and can no longer fit into a size 0-3month pant. His little legs are so long! He's a pretty happy kid. He doesn't really fuss or anything. And he sleeps pretty good too. If only he would sleep in his crib though...that would be awesome.
Here's some pictures:
Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee
I would love to write out my whole birth story at this time, but the little one is sleeping, so I'm pretty sure that's my cue to take a nap.
But with that being said...I can still show him off, right?
Introducing...
Jaden Alexander Thomas.
Born: September 9th 2010 at 3:56am via c-section
Weight: 10lbs 5.8oz. Length: 22inches
I have started to write this post over and over since I've become full term. Then, at my due date, I almost had it posted, but realized that my pregnancy journey still wasn't done. So, with a heavy heart (and empty arms) I deleted it and decided to write a new one once I felt the time was right.
While I don't know what to say, all I can do is just hope that somehow I'll be a good mother. I know that in the end, it doesn't matter if Boo has all the latest toys or that his clothes are brand new. What matters the most is that he's taken care of, protected and loved. I may doubt myself at times about how I can take care of a child, I know that he will never go without love.
In my previous drafts I have long explanations about how my pregnancy has brought me to where I am; but now they no longer seem to hold merit. So instead, I leave with a letter to my son. (Who at this current moment is going nuts inside my belly.)
BooBoo:
Christmas Eve morning was one of the best mornings ever. That's when I first knew about you. Sure, I had an idea before...but that little test confirmed it. You were growing inside of me. And from that moment on, I knew my life wouldn't be the same. You filled a little hole inside of my heart that was empty. When I told your Daddy, he cried. Not tears of sadness, but we were just so happy to know that you were coming.
From the moment I saw you on the first ultrasound, I knew you were going to be a hand full. Even the technician said that you were bouncing around and full of life. You didn't want to sit still enough for him to get your hear beat. When you were finally big enough for us to hear your heartbeat, it was the sweetest sound that anyone could ever hope for. I still pray everyday to hear that precious sound.
Then when it came time to "see" you again you were much bigger. We found out that you were a boy! Something that I secretly knew the whole time. We saw you move and kick and suck on your wrist. I wished then that I could give you the world...because that's what you deserve.
You continued to grow and grow. And I got to know your personality a little more. Yes, even when you were in my tummy you liked to make Mommy worry. Sometimes you didn't want to move. And other times you only wanted to move when Mommy was tired and just wanted to go to sleep. I knew that to get rid of your hiccups I have to hold and rock you. And how when Mommy gets upset you kick me in my ribs. And yet somehow, when I'm upset you can console me like no one else.
We patiently waited for your arrival, even when I thought you were done in there. You decided that you were in the one in control, and refused to budge. But now it's time that you'll be here very, very soon. And while I'm sad that you'll no longer be inside of me, I cannot wait to have you in my arms. You'll never know how much I love you, Boo. You'll never know how much you changed my life.
I love you so much my precious little one,
Mommy
I haven't slept right for the past few nights. I had this problem last week and it's starting to get to me. At night I'm up for hours at a time just tossing and turning. Although when I do sleep it's pretty decent...but it takes me hours to wake up. I can't shake the sleepies. I know it's because I am so uncomfortable. I can't roll over by myself. And if I somehow manage to lay on my back, it's like a turtle trying to get off its' back. I keep telling myself that I won't be like this forever. Eventually he will be out and although I'll have to deal with a newborn then, maybe sleep won't be so difficult.
I'm sure I'm going to those words hardcore.
I'm not sure if my lack of sleep is causing my next problem: severe mood swings. They aren't like the mood swings I've had so far. Basically I've been crying like it's going out of style. Yea, it's probably lack of sleep and me stressing out and all the bullshit that goes into late (LATE) pregnancy. All I know is that I want it to stop. Everytime Greg turns the corner I'm crying for some reason or another.
To make matters worse; Greg's sister (Lori), 16 year old neice (Donea) and twin nephews (Zach and Aaron) were in a car accident last night. They were taken by ambulence to Hershey Medical Center and the kids were admitted. It's super difficult to get any sort of information. I know that Donea was driving (she just got her permit, pulled out in front of a car, and was t-boned), one of the twins had to have emergency surgery. We also got news that one of the twins fractured his neck but we don't know which one. Scary stuff.
Who knows maybe all of this excitement will send me into labor, although I'm doubtful. I haven't had a SINGLE contraction since they stripped my membranes. Although I'm having more of a discharge, I'm suprised I'm not having more of the "pre"labor pains anymore. I just want this baby out and in my arms. :( I swear he's never coming out.
Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee
**I am writing this on a little more than an hour of sleep so if some of my upcoming story doesn't make sense. I will try to explain everything, but since I'm tired I might just edit this in the morning.**
I don't really know where to start because this story has multiple beginnings. Throughout my entire pregnancy I realized just how much of a role reversal I've had with my mother. Yes, she has been going through a lot of personal things (a divorce, finding her middle child's father, becoming a grandparent) but that doesn't give her the right to start acting like a child. I applaud her in the ways that she is becoming more independent. However, I disapprove in her behavior. It's the same sort of behavior that she went through when she was going through the divorce with my dad: jumping from man to man, not listening to other people and just be overall defensive. She has yet to realize that I've seen this all before and this time I'm letting her know.
I'm not saying she's a bad person, or a bad mother. She is far from that. What she doesn't see is what she's actually doing. She's pushing people (me included) away for reasons that are not entirely known to me. All while thinking that things should be at an all time closeness. I agree, every woman wants her mother to be around when she is expecting but there are limits. In no way should the mother of the mother-to-be outrank the father-to-be.
I know that she is excited for her grandson. But that doesn't excuse her behavior. It doesn't exclude all of the things she has said about Greg. It doesn't make light of what she think she's entitled to. As of this moment Greg and I don't want her in the room when I deliver. I have no idea how to tell her that because of her actions, she's going to miss out. I'm sure that will go over so well. Hell, if Greg had it his way she wouldn't even know when we have Boo until hours after; that she's been booted from top of the list all the way down to the bottom.
While I feel that is harsh, I'm not sure I oppose anymore. She crossed a line tonight when all I was doing was speaking my mind. I realize that I can come across a little...rough around the edges...but at the same time I wasn't calling her names. She's in a situation that sounds very high school to me, and I told her not to get involved. Apparently she didn't like what I had to say. I, of course, am "a bitch since *I've* been pregnant". I told her "Okay, bye, love you". That's when she hung up. Twenty minutes later I get a text saying "I'm sorry."
Sorry just doesn't cut it anymore. If she doesn't want my opinions, fine. I don't want to be involved in her "drama" anyway. The other person got exactly what they wanted...a rise out of her. The only other time I've seen this happen is with little immature people. I was just surprised to see my 45 year old mother actually getting involved.
Maybe things will be better in the morning light. Maybe when I'm not so tired I'll be able to think straight. But the thing is, I cannot sleep because I know that things will never get better. That ever since she "got her wings and is staying away from controlling men" that she has almost completely severed all ties of our relationship.
I guess that's what happens when you get older. You realize that your parents aren't perfect. That the pedestal that you once placed them upon is severely tarnished and scuffed. I just pray that somehow we make it through this hard time. I doubt it though.
Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee
Apparently, I still have a sunny disposition despite my belly is as big as Jupiter. Who knew? Certainly I had no idea that I was actually one of those "happy" pregnant women who just so happen to go over her due date.
I think the nurse was just being too nice.
That's right. Last night we went for our first NST. It went really well. If the baby cooperates it can take as little as 20 minutes, but if he's being a bugger it can take up to an hour. Boo actually cooperated and did the test real fast. He didn't like being monitored. I was actually sore from all of his movements at once. I have one crazy little "alien". (Hehe, Jenn.)
It was actually kind of relaxing. For the first time in a real long time me and Greg just sat there, talked and listened to his heartbeat. (Which either sounds like an unbalanced load in a washing machine or an old man having sex, go figure.) There was no TV. There was no heavy discussion. Just talk about how we are going to have a little baby in our arms soon. And how we're going to be parents. It kind of woke us up a little. It's becoming more and more of a reality lately, even though I've had about 9 months to mentally prepare. It's finally sinking in.
We have a plan for when the time comes. And a little for after. In my mind, we are still not completely ready. But I'm sure a lot of new parents feel like that when they get so close to having their child. I've been trying to relax, but when things have been so stressful it's really hard to. The only thing that seems to relax me is knowing that I'm going to be holding my baby within 6 days. Just the mere mention of that puts a smile on my face.
Yes, there is a lot of things that need done before Boo comes. The van must be fixed. (Long story short: van needed a water pump for like a YEAR now and Greg finally put one on. Worked great! Battery went all wonky. Thought it was a minor fix. Worked only when jumped. Then didn't work at all. Bolt was broken when water pump was fixed. Need to get that taken out *could cost $75!*. But it is now working and somehow we need to get money to get that broken bolt out. Right now it's working, but it's just a temporary thing.) The car seat must be installed. From what I can see we can't use the seat belts that we have for our child restraint. Greg still believes that it can be done. But I'm going to leave my faith in him, and we're going to go to a fire department or police station so someone can install it for us. I personally don't think it's going to work...but like I said...I can't stress over it. It'll get installed. And if not? We will have to use FIL's jeep.
What has really been bugging me, is although both Greg and I are stressed out, I need sex. I don't want it. I don't crave it. I n-e-e-d it. Well, the past two nights Greg has turned me down. I could understand Monday night, because of the whole membrane thing and our shitty day. I will admit, I was hurt but oh well. I got over it. But last night when he turned me down again, I couldn't help to think it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. I mean, seriously...I'm HUGE and I know I'm not sexy. And let's be honest, it's no longer fun. Although I did get my wish in the middle of the night, I still have a nagging little feeling that he is somehow pulling away.
Before I never had to beg for it. Now I have to beg, plead and sign my life away for him to look my way. Maybe it's my hormones. Maybe it's because he's freaked out that he'll hurt Boo. I'm not sure, but I hope it goes away. It's killing what little self confidence I have.
**Side Note**: The sex might have generated some contractions and me losing more of my plug. Sooo who's the crazy one now?
Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee
