"You really shouldn't smoke at a time like this."
"Amanda, you need to eat more...it's not just you right now."
"Sit down for a second, you'll overheat."
"Why are you doing the truck while pregnant."
"You need to sleep, it isn't good for you not to sleep."
"Cramping and spotting is normal. Don't worry, you'll be fine!"
...I heard it all the weeks coming leading up to my miscarriage. No one seemed to realize that I was trying my best but physically I was pushing myself to the limit. I chalked everything up to the pregnancy. The sleepness nights because I was worried if I would be ready; the lack of wanting eat because of morning sickness. But most of all, to keep working as hard as I ever did because I knew fiancially I would not be ready. I was stressed and scared but most of all, so over the moon happy. And although I had no energy I just thought it was normal. That's what others said when I brought up what I was feeling.
But we would all be wrong. So wrong.
I though the greatest day of my life was June 10th 2009. Greg and I were celebrating his birthday. He was going to come over to my house and then we were going to go away for the afternoon. After 2 months of not having my period and countless negative pregnancy tests, I got a postive. My jaw dropped and my stomach fluttered. I cried. For a brief second, I was surrounded by fear of what was going to happen, but it was soon replaced by elation. My happiness grew even more when Greg saw the test and he said: "I got the best present ever."
That day, he got on his knee and told me that I will never be lonely ever again and put one of *my* rings on my finger.
Slowly but surely we started to tell people. I was most nervous to tell my mom. For years she's been telling me that she's too young to be a grandmother, but oh my God she gave me the greatest hug and biggest smile when I told her. Things were going great. Everyone was so happy, but no one was happier than me. One of my earliest memories is playing with my dolls and calling myself mommy. I know lots of little girls have that wish, but all I ever wanted to be was a mommy when I grew up. My wish was coming true. I could not wait for my little munchkin to come into the world.
On the 4th of July I started to feel a little...off. I didn't think it was serious. Just that the baby was growing or I ate some bad cook out or something. I tried to push it out of my mind and enjoy the holiday, and it worked until the next day. I felt so sick. My digestive system was out of wack, and I was not hungry at all. I tried to just work though it. That it will pass. I kept working and not really trying to work really hard but not slow down. Little did I know my body was telling me something. And it screamed on July 7th.
I woke up and I had the middle shift that day. I go in at 11, start working on toliet paper and paper towels. That was the only thing I was allowed to lift, as long as it wasn't the whole case. I started to feel really funny again and I went to the bathroom. Nothing can prepare a pregnant woman to see bright red when they go to the bathroom. I didn't know what to do. I go to my boss and say that I need to go the hospital, that I was starting to spot. I have never seen anyone in that store move as fast as she did. Within minutes the drawer I was using was taken down, and Greg came right away. By this time my cramps are getting worse, but I'm sure they are gas pains. So I'm not really worried yet. The short trip from my work to the hospital took forever.
When I arrived at the hospital they had to do all the normal stuff: pee in a cup, take your vitals, get some blood. Although the waiting room was full I went back as soon as I was able to pee. Nurses and doctors came in and talked to me. "You're going to have an ultrasound to see what's going on." Within what seemed like seconds, I was in the ultrasound room and my whole world just stopped.
Greg came into the room with me. The woman preforming the ultrasound tried doing an external one but since I'm heavy they couldn't see very well. They prepped me for an internal one. I wasn't able to see the screen but Greg could. All I could see was his eyes when he looked at the screen and started to tear up. That was my first inkling that something was definately wrong. He later told me. "I just didn't see anything."
I layed in that emergency room bed for 3 hours before they told me that I lost the baby. I don't remember a lot after that. Just that a nurse came in and told me that she is so sorry about what had happened and the doctor telling me that although I was 11 weeks along, the baby didn't make it past 6 weeks. And that they will have to do surgery. All I could think was just take my heart instead. It would be easier that way.
I had to wait two days before they were able to preform the DnE that I needed. Just knowing that in my belly there wasn't a life like I thought there was. Those were the hardest two days of my life. I would have moments when I would laugh and others when I could not control my sobbing. I had to tell people that I lost my child. And everytime I tell someone, my heat would break all over again. Greg would hold me while we both cried and wipe away my tears so I would be able to to see. I realized how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man in my life, and that if we could survive this, we could get through anything.
I didn't have much pain. And when the surgery happened I remember being so out of it with the medicine but right before I fell asleep on the table I regretted everything I might have done to jeapordize this baby's life. I know people said it wasn't my fault. But I knew it was. The surgery went prefectly, and I got the greatest apple juice ever.
I healed from the surgery and I went to work 3 days after I had the surgery. I went from from the expecting cashier to the empty employee over night. While I was at work I started feeling funny again and started bleeding again. The doctors told me this would happen, so I didn't think of it. But the next morning I knew something wasn't right. After not being able to sleep and having severe pain Greg helped me to the bathroom that's when we heard something. (I won't post what it was/ sounded like. That is something that no one else should know about.) I have never gotten to the hospital faster. I thought I was dying. I believed it too.
The doctor topld me that they didn't get everything during the procedure and they will be admitting me in the hospital overnight and giving me medicine to make sure they got it all now. And if the medicine didn't work I'll need to have a DnC and it is possible that I would become sterile.
Luckily that wasn't the case and they were able to get everything without the second surgery. But for a brief second I thought that I would never have kids. I saw my dream floating away. I was warned that I might not be able to concieve right away. And that I need to wait at least 3 months before trying again. I knew I wanted to try again, but Greg needed to be convinced. He did not want the same thing to happen again. And no amount of me trying to convince him would do the trick. He was sure that it would happen again.
Our lives slowly got back to "normal". We decided taht we wanted to get married before we tried to have another baby. And in October I finally got my *ring*. God had other plans though. Because on Christmas eve I took a pregnancy test and it was postive. We weren't trying. And I didn't think it would happen so soon. I had myself sold to the idea that it might not happen for him and I. But sure enough, I am 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant with his child. And I could not be happier.
But with most of the things in my life, there is a little cloud hanging over me. I still worry about every little ache and pain I have. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I know our munchkin is watching over us, and I think our angel sent this baby to us, knowing how much we miss it. I am so happy that I am having a baby and I cannot help but to think about the one who is still watching over us. Every night when I talk to my stomach, I tilt my head up to the sky and say a little something to the one who made me so strong.
I am sorry if this was graphic or disturbing to anyone or that it was so long. But last night I couldn't sleep because I was thinking about munchkin. And I plan on telling baby boo about it's big brother or sister that will always be watching over us. Well notw that I'm a sobbing mess, I say:
Until later:
~MommyToBee
