Wedding Details. *pic and link heavy*

With Greg's income tax check in the mail, I have hardcore started to plan for the wedding.  Unfortunately for me, Greg wants to have an opinion on the wedding.  Like, every detail.  Within the past two weeks he has informed me that he wants to have the wedding in a church, purchase a keg AND have a flower girl.  While I'm not opposed to having a flower girl (although that would mean I would have to add my sister as a bridesmaid) the other two things I'm trying to fight.  I never wanted a church in a wedding...unless it was my childhood church. 

This isn't the best picture...but it was the only one I could find.  Come to think of it, it doesn't completely look like that...but it's pretty close (lol?)  Seriously...this church is BEAUTIFUL.  Gorgeous stained glass windows...huge upper balcony...spacious alter area...pipe organs...long classic pews.  *sigh*  I love that church.  As a little girl, I always said I want to be married there.  However, since I am no longer a member there (my grandparents are though) and I am "living in sin" with Greg AND it's over an hour away...the church is out. *pouts* 

I still have my heart set on having it at the West York Fire Hall...but my calls have gone unanswered so far.  I am currently looking into other locations. 

While I might not have the location down pat just yet...there are a  few things I believe I want: Dress:

Invites:

Favors:

Flowers:

While I say I "know" what I want...I'm still totally clueless to what I want.  The colors are going to match the invites.  The favors I'm still unsure about.  The dress, while I LOVE it...I'm iffy on buying a dress online without being able to try it on...and it's not a corset back, which would make it "perfect" and I would buy it....NOW. 

I'm still up in the air if I want Jewl to be a bridesmaid.  I don't think she would make a big fuss...but then again, it's my family.  If it's not their way, it's no one's way. 

Greg still wants to wear a tux.  While I'm starting to warm up to the idea, I'm still wondering if he'll look too formal.  I guess I need to figure out what he's wearing before I get a dress. 

One thing is for certain...I am going to have the CUTEST ring bearer ever.  Can you say "lady killer"???


Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Ummmm What?

On Saturday, Shawn (Greg's brother) was surprised by a surprise birthday party thrown by his girlfriend.  A little into the party, Jaden started to get fussy.  He was obviously hungry.  And, me being his Mommy and the "only" one to feed him... I announced my intentions.  Did I have to tell people that I was planning on breastfeeding my child?  No.  But I did out of respect if anyone had any problems with it.  No one objected so I assumed it was fine.

HA. Ha.  Ohhh the joke was on me I guess.

Greg's boss' (Chris) boyfriend (Gene) didn't hear me ask if anyone had an issue with me feeding Jaden.  Little man was nearly done when his man turned around and saw what I was doing.  The conversation proceed as such:
Gene:    Awww HELL What kind of party is this?
Chris:    She said she was going to feed him. 
Gene:    Rachel.  SHAWN!?!?  RACHELLLLLLLL!!!!! Get in here. 
Me:       Jaden, we told them, didn't we? We don't care.  Little man is hungrrry.  *Saying to my son, who at this point is the only thing that matters*
Gene:    Naw, that ain't right.  That's just SICK.
Rachel:  What's wrong, Gene? 
Gene:    What kind of party is this?!?!  People whipping out titties.  Little babies all around.  What kind of sick shit is this?
Rachel:   She said she was going to do it.  It's not my fault you can't hear. 
Me:        He's just jealous he can't get some.  Would you like some milkies, Gene?  *Gene storms out, Chris chasing after him* I guess he's not hungry.

Seriously?  You are going to throw a fit over a child eating???  This is the kind of ignorance that I cannot stand.  I can understand that some people are uncomfortable with the idea of breastfeeding.  (Since it is America and well, breasts can ONLY be for sexual arousal.)  However, to try to point out that a woman is feeding her child?  That makes no sense to me.  If you don't like it, fine.  I will cover up.  But I will NOT move because you have an issue with it.  I was in a private home where the owner knew I was breastfeeding.  If YOU don't like it, YOU move.  I am not going to be shamed by doing something so natural and special for me and my son. 

I'm sorry, but I feel very strong about how I feed my son.  I don't see a problem with something so organic.  Mayed I should have been respectful and moved myself from the room.  But I did tell everyone.  And I don't regret having a satisfied baby at all.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Weight Loss

A week after I started Zoloft again, I went to the doctor's office for my cold that still hasn't gone away.  I was happy to see I lost 8 pounds in a week.  Since then, I've been trying really hard to lose weight.  I've been eating less, or at least watching what I eat.  It's not always easy, since nursing Jaden makes me hungry all the time.  I thought I was doing pretty good, that is, until yesterday.

I need new clothes.  Currently, I am 2 sizes bigger than I was before I got pregnant.  My belly is huge.  I hate it.  I went shopping yesterday for some nursing shirts and jeans.  Almost $90 later, I had 2 shirts and a pair of jeans.  While I look okay, I am nowhere NEAR happy with how I look.  Not to mention, I want to be at least 40 pounds lighter for my wedding.  (Which is becoming a nightmare to plan since I told my mother.  I should have just waited until the day before.)

Hopefully when springtime comes, I'll be able to take Jaden out more.  This way we both can get some fresh air.  Speaking of Jaden, here's my little ham:

Even with his teethers bothering him, he still smiles.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

*SMH* Saturday: It just isn't fair.

Normally, I don't care what other people do.  Ir really isn't any of my business.  However, if you parade around information that is private...I'm going to have an opinion on it.


Yesterday at my Doctor's office I saw a girl (we will call her L...and yes...she's a GIRL in my opinion) I used to work with at Family Dollar.  She told me that she was expecting...again.  She is 21 years old and this is her 6th...yes...SIXTH pregnancy.  However, she has no children.


How can this be?  Well, from the time she was 14 she had 5 abortions. 


While I believe it is a woman's choice if she wants to have an abortion or not, I don't think it should be used as a method of birth control.  L told me that the only reason why she's keeping this one is "because I can get more assistance (meaning welfare) if I pop out a few babies." Whooooaaaaa, what?  *shakes my head*  That just blows my mind.


Here she is, 21, single, obviously VERY fertile, using abortions instead of condoms, planning on abusing welfare and she thinks that's okay. 


Like I said, normally I don't give two cents about what other people do.  But, it's not fair.


I have a friend (again, we will call her T).  She recently was blessed with the arrival of her twins.  Only problem is, T lost one at birth and the other twin died 48 hours later due to complications.  T's loss is devastating.  And to make matters worse, T had to have a hysterectomy because of the delivery.  *I am hazy on why though.  She told me it was because there was tons of scan tissue due to endometrosis*  She will never be pregnant again and L doesn't seem to want her kids. 


Another friend of mine (we will name her E) wants a child.  She has muscular dystrophy.  While it's not impossible for her to bear children, she is being cautious.  E wishes not to have the disease spread to her children.  E has a lot of obstacles to overcome before she is able to get pregnant...but she is making great strides in order to have the family she wants and deserves.


I have high respect for these two women.  They have difficult decisions that need to be made.  I don't think I could go through what they have to go through.  They are strong.  And I think L should be ashamed of herself.  While she isn't doing anything wrong, I don't think she's doing anything right.  To have kids just to get public assistance is dishonorable.  And to not use birth control and instead have a viable pregnancy terminated, I think is wrong. 


Yes, I might come off as pro-life.  But I assure you all, I'm not.  I think abortion is fine...but I don't believe in having multiple abortions.  It's not fair that some women can just have an abortion and not realize that they have more options than just to "get rid of it." 

It's just not fair.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Definate Woe Is Me Post

For three long months I took Zoloft to help with my PPD.  Everyday it hurt me to take it.  But, I thought I would get over my PPD faster.  I felt better.  I didn't want to be on it anymore.  I was SO wrong to do that.  With my DR's permission,  I stopped.

We were so wrong. 

I should have never done that.  Now I'm even more depressed than before.  I can't stand up and rock and dance with my Son.  I can't sleep.  I can't feel my hands.  I physically cannot smile or laugh or say a few words because the muscles in my jaw/neck are so tight, it's hurts.  Standing has become a major feat.  Changing diapers is almost impossible.  Forget about the snaps on a onesie.  My eyes are doing better though except for the fact they keep watering and I look more tired than  what I really am. Another positive is my feet aren't numb anymore.

I am so distraught over this.  I can't believe this is happening.  I know it'll probably get better, but at this very moment I am so afraid that I am going to stay like this forever.  That somehow, this isn't reversible.  And those thoughts aren't helping.  I need to stay positive and relaxed if I want my anxiety to go away.  Maybe if I stay relaxed enough the drugs will help more. 

I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my body anymore.  I feel so helpless.  And again, all this is doing is making me more depressed.  The only thing that get me through the day is this...

...this face and knowing I have the love of...

...this man.

I might be depressed but  know who cares about me:  a best friend who would listen to me sob on the phone when I get the news.  A baby who laughs whenever I sing a certain song.  A man who loves me even though I don't deserve his affection.

So why can't I be happy?


Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Eleven Days

January 10th: 
I woke up with some "sleepy" fingers on my left hand.  Okay.  I probably slept on them wrong. 

January 11th:
Hmm...my fingers are even more numb.  And now my right hand the same thing is happening.  I'm going to call the DR and make an appointment.

January 12th:
They are even worse today, but still manageable.  And now I have a rash?  Weird. 

January 13th:
Constant headache and back ache.  Oh well...I sleep weird.

January 14th:
Migraine.  Full on Migraine.  And on the day of Greg's Grandma's funeral.  Fingers are really numb.  It's ok...I got an appointment on Tuesday to get checked out.  Only 4 more days to go!  I can do this!

January 15th:
Zero sleep.  So much pain.   Boo is so heavy.  My back is weak

January 16th:
ER visit.  DR was not concerned over my numb fingers.  I am diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection and swollen lymph nodes at the base of my skull.  So much pain.

January 17th:
Oh God.  I can't even pick up Boo! :(

January 18th:
Had my DR visit.  I was surprised to find out that although I am getting blood work done and a CT scan...most likely my "illness" was from something I did 11 days ago...

January 7th:
I took my last Zoloft pill. 


Wow.  Just when I though I didn't need them...my body clearly thinks otherwise. 


Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee 

Scared

In the past 2 years, I've been in the hospital a lot.  Tomorrow, I am planning another visit to the ER.  Why?  I can't feel my fingers, I have blinding migranes and I have so much neck/back pain I can barely hold Jaden.  While before I wouldn't hesitate to go, now I'm so fucking scared to.  I'm not afraid of what they'd find...I'm afraid they will try to admit me.  As much as I hate to say it, I'll go AMA if they try to make me stay. 

This fucking sucks.  I can't even feel my son holding my hand.  And every time I try to pick him up, I cry out in pain.  When I go to hold him my  back screams in pain.  UGH. 

I just hope it's nothing serious.