A week after I started Zoloft again, I went to the doctor's office for my cold that still hasn't gone away. I was happy to see I lost 8 pounds in a week. Since then, I've been trying really hard to lose weight. I've been eating less, or at least watching what I eat. It's not always easy, since nursing Jaden makes me hungry all the time. I thought I was doing pretty good, that is, until yesterday.
I need new clothes. Currently, I am 2 sizes bigger than I was before I got pregnant. My belly is huge. I hate it. I went shopping yesterday for some nursing shirts and jeans. Almost $90 later, I had 2 shirts and a pair of jeans. While I look okay, I am nowhere NEAR happy with how I look. Not to mention, I want to be at least 40 pounds lighter for my wedding. (Which is becoming a nightmare to plan since I told my mother. I should have just waited until the day before.)
Hopefully when springtime comes, I'll be able to take Jaden out more. This way we both can get some fresh air. Speaking of Jaden, here's my little ham:
Even with his teethers bothering him, he still smiles.
Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee
Both of my men are sleeping soundly. Although I was so against co-sleeping in the beginning I'm really enjoying it. I just find it very funny that a tiny 16 pound baby takes up more room than his not so little mommy.
It does pose it's problems though. For one, Greg and I can't have...alone time. Granted my sex drive is ohhhh next to zero but it is starting to come back (I'll explain why in a moment). It's kind of hard to have sexiness and adult cuddles when there's a little guy in between. Perhaps I might move his crib into our room. From there we might transition him to his own room? I don't know. In fact, I'm pretty sure he would do great in his crib, in his own room. I think I'm the one who will have separation anxiety.
But, I can't sleep with him in the bed anymore. It's painful for me since I sleep on the edge of the bed. Never have I had so many knots in my back. But its so easy to put him back to sleep! He starts crying, I pull out a boobie and within 5 minutes he's clunked out and I'm off to dream land.
But, there is a price to pay. Greg and I have been having some issues lately. My sex drive has been non existent since Boo was born. Which its normal for new moms to just not be in the mood like they once were. It's especially hard for me since I am so disgusted by my new "motherly" body. Let's face it. I am super obese. It's not even a matter of aesthetics anymore. It's a health issue. When I look in the mirror, I want to cry. I am proud of every stretch mark that handsome little boy gave me...but...Momma is ready to lose the weight.
Sorry, I got off track.
Point is, Greg has never been more attracted to me. He says that I am even more beautiful then the day he met me because I am the mother of his child. (OMG can you say AWWWW?) But I don't feel beautiful. In fact, I feel down right ugly. Since I don't have any self esteem...I don't want sex. Which leads to me asking Greg about a million times a day why he can't keep his hands off of me or why he can't just be sweet instead of raunchy all the time.
Because of this, I slowly started to tap out of the relationship.
I'll admit it. I am madly in love with my fiancee. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. But, I was prepared to walk away from it all and tell him that I can't be what he wants me to be anymore.
When I told him that I was getting ready to leave with Jaden for a week...he finally got the message.
He understood that I need a break from our little guy. Yes, I love him with all my heart...but Momma needs a little breather. I need to spend a few hours away so I remember what it's like to miss Greg. And I need a chance to be away from Boo so he doesn't always cling to me. I might sound selfish...but I give up so much already. I would give anything for them. But right now. I need just a little for me.
We just have to work on a few things. I'm not ready to give up. But I'm also not willing to be walked over like I was.
Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee
