Definate Woe Is Me Post

For three long months I took Zoloft to help with my PPD.  Everyday it hurt me to take it.  But, I thought I would get over my PPD faster.  I felt better.  I didn't want to be on it anymore.  I was SO wrong to do that.  With my DR's permission,  I stopped.

We were so wrong. 

I should have never done that.  Now I'm even more depressed than before.  I can't stand up and rock and dance with my Son.  I can't sleep.  I can't feel my hands.  I physically cannot smile or laugh or say a few words because the muscles in my jaw/neck are so tight, it's hurts.  Standing has become a major feat.  Changing diapers is almost impossible.  Forget about the snaps on a onesie.  My eyes are doing better though except for the fact they keep watering and I look more tired than  what I really am. Another positive is my feet aren't numb anymore.

I am so distraught over this.  I can't believe this is happening.  I know it'll probably get better, but at this very moment I am so afraid that I am going to stay like this forever.  That somehow, this isn't reversible.  And those thoughts aren't helping.  I need to stay positive and relaxed if I want my anxiety to go away.  Maybe if I stay relaxed enough the drugs will help more. 

I don't want to feel like a prisoner in my body anymore.  I feel so helpless.  And again, all this is doing is making me more depressed.  The only thing that get me through the day is this...

...this face and knowing I have the love of...

...this man.

I might be depressed but  know who cares about me:  a best friend who would listen to me sob on the phone when I get the news.  A baby who laughs whenever I sing a certain song.  A man who loves me even though I don't deserve his affection.

So why can't I be happy?


Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Eleven Days

January 10th: 
I woke up with some "sleepy" fingers on my left hand.  Okay.  I probably slept on them wrong. 

January 11th:
Hmm...my fingers are even more numb.  And now my right hand the same thing is happening.  I'm going to call the DR and make an appointment.

January 12th:
They are even worse today, but still manageable.  And now I have a rash?  Weird. 

January 13th:
Constant headache and back ache.  Oh well...I sleep weird.

January 14th:
Migraine.  Full on Migraine.  And on the day of Greg's Grandma's funeral.  Fingers are really numb.  It's ok...I got an appointment on Tuesday to get checked out.  Only 4 more days to go!  I can do this!

January 15th:
Zero sleep.  So much pain.   Boo is so heavy.  My back is weak

January 16th:
ER visit.  DR was not concerned over my numb fingers.  I am diagnosed with an upper respiratory infection and swollen lymph nodes at the base of my skull.  So much pain.

January 17th:
Oh God.  I can't even pick up Boo! :(

January 18th:
Had my DR visit.  I was surprised to find out that although I am getting blood work done and a CT scan...most likely my "illness" was from something I did 11 days ago...

January 7th:
I took my last Zoloft pill. 


Wow.  Just when I though I didn't need them...my body clearly thinks otherwise. 


Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee 

Scared

In the past 2 years, I've been in the hospital a lot.  Tomorrow, I am planning another visit to the ER.  Why?  I can't feel my fingers, I have blinding migranes and I have so much neck/back pain I can barely hold Jaden.  While before I wouldn't hesitate to go, now I'm so fucking scared to.  I'm not afraid of what they'd find...I'm afraid they will try to admit me.  As much as I hate to say it, I'll go AMA if they try to make me stay. 

This fucking sucks.  I can't even feel my son holding my hand.  And every time I try to pick him up, I cry out in pain.  When I go to hold him my  back screams in pain.  UGH. 

I just hope it's nothing serious. 

Check ups, Snow and Major Man Rant

Well.  Jaden had his 4 month baby well check today.  He is 17 pounds on the dot! *it kept bouncing from 16lbs 15oz and 17lbs.*  NOOOO formula!  He is still growing, 26 and 1/4 inches.  He is in the 90th percentile for height and weight.  75 percentile for head size.  Everything looked and sounded good except for one thing.  He has eczema.  Poor little bugger.  Jaden's teeth are coming in.  And we need to try to get him to poop more than once every 5 days.

'Cause even though he's passing gas and when he does go it's a lot.  He's constipated.   He doesn't have to strain to go or anything...but he's constipated.   Sure, Doc.  You've seen my son poop SO MANY TIMES that you can tell me he's having a hard time going.  'Kay.  I'll remember that.

Onto the snow! 

Snow blows.  I've always hated the wet, cold white stuff.  I rather see a thunderstorm.  Just take the snow.  And take the crazy drivers who think they can pass a snow plow.  The things I see from my window. 

I really need to live in a warmer climate, like...Texas.  Oh... wait.


Now.  Pet peeve of the day!

I love Greg.  And I love my little Jaden.  However.  I would also like some time alone.  Away from my men.  Away from the crying and the begging (from the big one).  Away from the diaper changes.  Away from me telling Greg what Jaden wants or me stepping in to save one or the other one.  Since Jaden has been born, I have spent 4 hours away from him.  And that was in the hospital.  Since then, he's been my shadow. 

Yes, I know.  I breastfeed.  And he doesn't take bottles so I have to be *relatively* close to him at times.   But Lord.  I want to be able to go to my OB GYN without an audience.  But noooooo.  Jaden has to come with me.  And Greg too.  Why?  Because if they don't go...I might leave!  Are you shitting me?  What am I going to do...run off with the doctor?  Ummmm HELLO.  I think I can go to an appointment alone.  Someone needs a lesson in trust.

I'm not wearing this ring around my finger because it's pretty.  (Although..it is GORGEOUS.)  I'm wearing it because I want to spend the rest of my life with that dumb dumb. 

:D

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

My time is flying by.

Well, yesterday Jaden turned 4 months old.  I still cannot believe how fast time is going.  Seems like just yesterday I was waiting for my due date, only to have him be late for his own birthday.  He's feisty.  And right now, he's testing my patience.  He wants to do too much for his little body.  I can tell, I got one independent kid on my hands.  Which is good...as long as he still wants to cuddle with his momma.

Tomorrow he goes for his 4 month baby well check.  The doctor's want him to be at least 17 pounds because of all the digestive issues he's been having.  If not, they said I might need to supplement with formula.  *rolls eyes*  He's still in the 90th percentile for his age...why would he need artificial, less caloric yucky stuff?

Exactly.  Momma did her research.

And we're not going to start on baby food just yet.  APA says 6 months.  Two more months to go, unless if he's showing some SERIOUS signs to start solids. 

I still can't believe how big he is.  Today he pushed his belly off the bed. (^.^).  Next stop...crawling.  Ohhhhh nooooooo can he be little for just a bit longer? 

PICTURESSSSSS :D

He's getting so big!

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Heaven recieved another angel today.

Greg's Grandma passed away this morning after being taken off of life support last night.  Yes, it took a while and she fought right up to the end, but there was just no way of saving her.  She was bed ridden for years and now she can finally dance and walk again in heaven.  Strange thing:  I think she came and "visited" us last night before her body slipped away.  For those who don't believe in spirits, that's fine.  But I do.  And I'm pretty sure I saw her kiss her Grandson and Great grandson goodbye last night.  Although I was a little freaked out...I'm very calm over her passing. 

I just find it strange, that with every death, sickness, joy that I have encountered has made me a little more of a believer in "God" again.  I might not have a whole lot of traditional faith, but I'm starting to believe once again.


Grammy:  I know you're watching over us.  We love you.  Just remember, when our time comes to have the lima beans ready and tell Grandpa that Greg wants some cake and homemade wine. ;)

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Death and Weddings...the race is on!

First, I want to say my proud Momma moments that I have not told you all.  Jaden is officially rolling!  While he has been able to "flop" from belly to back for a while now (The first time he did it solo he was 5 weeks old)  he is now rolling from his back to belly!  OhMyGoodness!  My little JadenMonster is growing up too fast.  Now that he has figured out how to actually roll, he's doing it from belly to back.  Not only that, but he tries to sit up...without help.  He gets mad because he gets his head about 4 inches off the ground and then he just rolls.  Then he screams...because what can you do with half your body turned one way and the other half turned the other?

Too.  Damn.  Grown.

Not only that...he now likes to "yell" at you, or his toys, or his hands, or his cuddle...He just likes to yell.  And he has this look of utter concentration on his face.  Sort of:  "I'm going to get you.  I can't tell you what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to do it.  But it will happen and you will suffer."

Only my child, let me tell ya.



Now that's out of the way:

Greg's Grandma is still on life support.  Which breaks a lot of hearts.  Most of her grandchildren said their goodbyes before the feeding tube was inserted because no one wanted to see her like that.  On the day before Christmas Eve she involuntarily opened her eyes.  Well...some family members took that there was still a shred of life still within her.  The brain scan confirmed that there is no change.  She is 90% brain dead.  The only thing is "living" is her heart...and they don't know if that's just from the medicine they are pumping through her veins or if it's really her.

Supposedly though, later on this week the children are going to pull the plug.  The reasons for keeping her "alive" this long are for selfish, disgusting, horrible reasons.  I won't mention them, but it's pretty messed up.  But what do I know...I'm just the soon to be added family member.

That's right:  Greg and I are planning on finally getting married.  I still haven't told my family.  I'm waiting to tell them for two things:  Income tax and our venue availability.  I don't want hear anyone say "Ohhhh it should be up here" or "Why are you getting married in York?".  I'm looking into a few different places but I'm probably going to have my wedding in York.  Why?  (I'll admit, it's pretty selfish)  No one (besides my lovely Jenn and Ben)  come down here to visit.  Sure, my dad stopped down when Jaden was a week old to drop off some money.  And yes, my Mom came to visit when I had my miscarriage.  However...all the holidays and visits have been at "home".  It's not fair to Greg and I to drive an hour or so to our own wedding.  Nope, not going to happen.  No one is paying for this "wedding" but him and I.  And what we say goes. 

And that's for all aspects of the wedding.  While I will accept opinions and "this is how you do it" from educated people (read: Jenn), I won't be walked all over from uneducated people (read: my mother).  She tried to take control over Boo's delivery.  She's not going to control my wedding.  Hell, she's one of the reasons why we didn't just go to the JP and elope.  ("I've waited 24 years to see you get married, I'll be hurt if I don't get to see your wedding."  *blows raspberry*)

My wedding.  My rules.  My ideas. 

Yes, I am a bridezilla.  I've made peace with it.  But the reasons for my controlling persona is for noble reasons.  I'm tired of being told what to do and how to do it.  I'm a grown woman and mother.  I take care of at least 3 people on a daily baisis.  And I look good while doing it.  *smug face*

Jaden is stirring.  My eyelids are falling.  So that means...

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee