Death and Weddings...the race is on!

First, I want to say my proud Momma moments that I have not told you all.  Jaden is officially rolling!  While he has been able to "flop" from belly to back for a while now (The first time he did it solo he was 5 weeks old)  he is now rolling from his back to belly!  OhMyGoodness!  My little JadenMonster is growing up too fast.  Now that he has figured out how to actually roll, he's doing it from belly to back.  Not only that, but he tries to sit up...without help.  He gets mad because he gets his head about 4 inches off the ground and then he just rolls.  Then he screams...because what can you do with half your body turned one way and the other half turned the other?

Too.  Damn.  Grown.

Not only that...he now likes to "yell" at you, or his toys, or his hands, or his cuddle...He just likes to yell.  And he has this look of utter concentration on his face.  Sort of:  "I'm going to get you.  I can't tell you what I'm going to do, or how I'm going to do it.  But it will happen and you will suffer."

Only my child, let me tell ya.



Now that's out of the way:

Greg's Grandma is still on life support.  Which breaks a lot of hearts.  Most of her grandchildren said their goodbyes before the feeding tube was inserted because no one wanted to see her like that.  On the day before Christmas Eve she involuntarily opened her eyes.  Well...some family members took that there was still a shred of life still within her.  The brain scan confirmed that there is no change.  She is 90% brain dead.  The only thing is "living" is her heart...and they don't know if that's just from the medicine they are pumping through her veins or if it's really her.

Supposedly though, later on this week the children are going to pull the plug.  The reasons for keeping her "alive" this long are for selfish, disgusting, horrible reasons.  I won't mention them, but it's pretty messed up.  But what do I know...I'm just the soon to be added family member.

That's right:  Greg and I are planning on finally getting married.  I still haven't told my family.  I'm waiting to tell them for two things:  Income tax and our venue availability.  I don't want hear anyone say "Ohhhh it should be up here" or "Why are you getting married in York?".  I'm looking into a few different places but I'm probably going to have my wedding in York.  Why?  (I'll admit, it's pretty selfish)  No one (besides my lovely Jenn and Ben)  come down here to visit.  Sure, my dad stopped down when Jaden was a week old to drop off some money.  And yes, my Mom came to visit when I had my miscarriage.  However...all the holidays and visits have been at "home".  It's not fair to Greg and I to drive an hour or so to our own wedding.  Nope, not going to happen.  No one is paying for this "wedding" but him and I.  And what we say goes. 

And that's for all aspects of the wedding.  While I will accept opinions and "this is how you do it" from educated people (read: Jenn), I won't be walked all over from uneducated people (read: my mother).  She tried to take control over Boo's delivery.  She's not going to control my wedding.  Hell, she's one of the reasons why we didn't just go to the JP and elope.  ("I've waited 24 years to see you get married, I'll be hurt if I don't get to see your wedding."  *blows raspberry*)

My wedding.  My rules.  My ideas. 

Yes, I am a bridezilla.  I've made peace with it.  But the reasons for my controlling persona is for noble reasons.  I'm tired of being told what to do and how to do it.  I'm a grown woman and mother.  I take care of at least 3 people on a daily baisis.  And I look good while doing it.  *smug face*

Jaden is stirring.  My eyelids are falling.  So that means...

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

A brief update before a long post.

These past few weeks have been very hard.  Let's see...in the process of trying to make the decision to let Greg's Granny go, one of her daughter's passed away due to a blood clot to the lungs.  While Greg's Granny is still on life support (which, if you ask me is very inhumane) I'm glad that she isn't "here" to see another one of her daughters slip away.

Christmas was pretty good.  Jaden and Greg made out like bandits, just like I predicted.  I'll have to post pictures, but not right now.

Greg and I are going to start our wedding plans!  *shhhh...my mom doesn't know yet.  Nor anyone except Jenn.*

But, I might kill him first.  That's always a possibility.

Jaden has been sick...along with Greg and I.  While I've been the slowest to get over the bug, Jaden needed an x-ray and Greg acted as if he was dying.  So while I was cleaning up my (how do I say this nicely?)  sick...I had to tend to my soon to be 4 month old and my 29 year old babies.

Someone I went to school with recently asked me about breastfeeding.  :D  I'm pretty stoked that she saw from facebook that I at least have a little idea what I'm doing. 


I suppose that's the short of it for now.  I'll post more later when I'm not so tired and such. :)


Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Aw Man!

Ugh, the past 48 hours will be the death of me.  This morning we got information that Greg's Grandmother's heart stopped and it took them about 10 minutes to start it back up.  *Which I think is a lie...because how can your heart not beat for 10 minutes without you DYING?...but I'm picking my battles.*  With Greg's mom still recovering from her stroke(s) we are trying to keep her calm, but it's not working.  They are waiting three days, doing a brain scan to see if there's any activity and if there's not...they're pulling the plug.  Apparently this woman refuses to give up.  She's a fighter.  But she might not survive this battle.  

It's really sad.  And although I don't know her...I cried.  She seems like such a sweet woman. 

Last night Greg told me that he thinks it's time Jaden goes into his crib. :(  As much as I was on the fence about co-sleeping..ok...bed sharing...I'm going to miss it!  The only time my little man snuggles is at night.  (Although he is starting to give "ai-ie's"...so cute.)  

It's going to be even harder since...Jaden is teething.  Yup.  The resident confirmed it yesterday.  She said she felt all 4...count 'em...FOUR bottom teeth coming in.  She said they were wayyyy down there but they're coming.  Great.  If that wasn't enough...I got more issues too.  

When Jaden had his cold he refused to nurse off my right breast.  Okay...I'll pump and then whenever I can get him on that side, he'll eat.  Well...he only eats when we're laying down.  A little uncomfortable, but manageable.  Now since he's not eating "well enough" off that breast, I'm not responding to my pump.  Grrrr.  I can only get a few drops out!  Painful but okay...gotta make him eat off that side.

Well now he's doing the same thing to the left breast.  He'll fuss...latch...fuss while sucking...unlatch...fuss...latch...and so on and so on for 10 minutes if I let him.  He'll finally get so frustrated he goes to sleep then I can feed him.  *Sleep nursing is awesome and it's the only time I can get a good feeding in.*

Miserable baby = miserable mommy.

Annddddd to top it off...I have not been able to go to sleep before midnight for the past three nights.  This.  Is.  Getting.  Old.

But I must say I found a new toy I want to get Jaden.  Yes..it's 17 dollars for a chew toy.  But I think it's cute!

It's called a "Sophie the Giraffe".  I think it's adorable.  I want my son to have it.  It's a teether.  And I think it'll make my life a little better.

And now I think it's bedtime.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Don't Underestimate Me.

When I got pregnant I heard a lot of things from a lot of naysayers.  "You'll breastfeed for 6 weeks then throw in the towel."  "With your history of depression, you'll have post partum depression."  "You won't be able to handle being a mother and a wife."  "You'll never get yourself out of debt."  And the one that hurt the most:  "You'll never be a good mother."

Yea.  With friends/ family like that...who needs enemies?

I will admit that one of those lines are correct.  I have to deal with post partum depression.  About 3 weeks after Jaden was born, I decided that I needed some help and I went on Zoloft.  I wasn't proud, but I knew it was for my son.  That made it a little easier to accept.  Now, almost 3 months later, I feel that I don't need those pills anymore.  Who knows, I may lapse...but I know I can do it.

Now...onto proving myself. 

• It's been three months...and I still love breastfeeding.  Is it hard?  Sure!  But it's something I feel very strongly about.  When we stop that's up to Jaden.  Come hell or high water, I will provide nutrion for my son.
• Yea...I'll admit, for the first few weeks I didn't do much.  But then again, I had a very difficult recovery from my c-section.  Greg and I might have our issues but we're making it work. 
• Debt is a terrible thing.  I'm trying my hardest to get out of it.  It's not easy, espcially since we barely scrape by.  I don't ask for handouts.  Yes, Jaden and I are on state insurance, big deal.  I'm not on food stamps.  Or cash assistance.  And I'm not on WIC.  I could be...we qualify...but we can make it so far without.

Lastly...

A big SCREW YOU goes out to anyone who thinks I'm not doing all I can for my child.  I realize that I'm not married to his father.  And why yes, we do live with my in laws.  Does that make me a terrible mother?  No...didn't think so.  We pay rent.  Buy our own food.  Jaden has his own crib and room.  He's always clean.  Has clean clothes.  And a clean diaper.  He's happy, healthy and thrieving.  He weighs an impressive 16 pounds 3 ounces.  He's exceeding his milestones.  So I think I'm doing my job pretty well.

I might not have all the newest toys for him.  And I might cuddle him a little too much.  However, no baby has EVER been a failure to thrieve because they didn't have the newest toys or enjoyed cuddle time.

Jaden is independent.  He loves to stand and babble and discover.  He brightens the whole room.  And anyone who graced his presence knows how special of a little boy he is.

That's because of Greg and myself.  Do not dismiss me because I'm not "educated" enough.  I know what I need to know...and if I don't...I learn.  Greg may have a low paying job.  He may never win the lottery...but I won the jackpot of love with him.

I may be young but I am more mature than some people older than me. 

Go ahead...underestimate me.  That just makes me prove you wrong.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Two posts within 24 hours? *tmi!*

Both of my men are sleeping soundly.  Although I was so against co-sleeping in the beginning I'm really enjoying it.   I just find it very funny that a tiny 16 pound baby takes up more room than his not so little mommy.


It does pose it's problems though.  For one, Greg and I can't have...alone time.  Granted my sex drive is ohhhh next to zero but it is starting to come back (I'll explain why in a moment).  It's kind of hard to have sexiness and adult cuddles when there's a little guy in between.  Perhaps I might move his crib into our room.  From there we might transition him to his own room?  I don't know.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he would do great in his crib, in his own room.  I think I'm the one who will have separation anxiety.


But, I can't sleep with him in the bed anymore.  It's painful for me since I sleep on the edge of the bed.  Never have I had so many knots in my back.  But its so easy to put him back to sleep!  He starts crying, I pull out a boobie and within 5 minutes he's clunked out and I'm off to dream land.


But, there is a price to pay.  Greg and I have been having some issues lately.  My sex drive has been non existent since Boo was born.  Which its normal for new moms to just not be in the mood like they once were.  It's especially hard for me since I am so disgusted by my new "motherly" body.  Let's face it.  I am super obese.  It's not even a matter of aesthetics anymore.  It's a health issue.  When I look in the mirror, I want to cry.  I am proud of every stretch mark that handsome little boy gave me...but...Momma is ready to lose the weight.


Sorry, I got off track.


Point is, Greg has never been more attracted to me.  He says that I am even more beautiful then the day he met me because I am the mother of his child.  (OMG can you say AWWWW?)  But I don't feel beautiful.  In fact, I feel down right ugly.  Since I don't have any self esteem...I don't want sex.  Which leads to me asking Greg about a million times a day why he can't keep his hands off of me or why he can't just be sweet instead of raunchy all the time. 


Because of this, I slowly started to tap out of the relationship.


I'll admit it.  I am madly in love with my fiancee.  I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him.  But, I was prepared to walk away from it all and tell him that I can't be what he wants me to be anymore.


When I told him that I was getting ready to leave with Jaden for a week...he finally got the message.


He understood that I need a break from our little guy.  Yes, I love him with all my heart...but Momma needs a little breather.  I need to spend a few hours away so I remember what it's like to miss Greg.   And I need a chance to be away from Boo so he doesn't always cling to me.  I might sound selfish...but I give up so much already.  I would give anything for them.  But right now.  I need just a little for me.

We just have to work on a few things.  I'm not ready to give up.  But I'm also not willing to be walked over like I was.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Call me old fashioned...

This year has been one of the best years of my life.  And in this Christmas season I've decided that I want to show my family and loved ones just how special they are to me.  I will admit, in previous years I wouldn't give much thought to a gift.  I'd simply would get a gift certificate for whomever I was thinking about.  However, this year, I want to make it a little more personal.

Although, I am having a real hard time thinking of presents for some people.  I don't associate with anyone who is "difficult" to shop for persey, but I'm still horrible at gift giving.  Everything I seem to think is a "good fit" is either too generic or somehow not right. 

Yes, I have tons of ideas...I'm just hoping that people would actually enjoy them this year.  This truly is the first year that I'm putting real thought into presents.  Everyone...not just Jaden and Greg.

Speaking of which...I cannot for the life of me figure out anything I want for Christmas.  Oh well, I guess Greg is on his own. :P

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee

Ohh, here's our little Charlie Brown Tree

Am I becoming one of those hippy moms?

Okay...let me first say...that last year at this time I was *newly* pregnant.  Yes, I knew already.  I was practically sick from day one.

With that being said...onto the post:

I'm not exactly sure how to word this, but I'm going to try my best. 

I have been thinking about different things I want to do for Jaden.  I knew I wanted to breastfeed for at least 6 weeks.  Then it became 3 months...then 6...then a year.  Now, I'm thinking I want to let him self wean.  Not only do I want to self wean, but I also want to continue to pump (as long as I'm still producing milk) and donating it.  *Which I haven't told Greg...I'm sure he would be supportive...after much discussion* 


Something that newly popped into my head was maybe to start cloth diapering.  I realize I might be crazy...but I think it'll be good.  I have no idea why I'm thinking I want to start, but I think it's because I realize how much money we spend on disposable diapers.  Seriously, he goes through about 14 diapers a day and that means we go through about 400 diapers a month!  That adds up quick.  And besides, cloth diaper covers are so cute.  (And can be made from old t-shirts)

Yes, I know I might sound a little nuts.  I've become a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, cloth diaper considering, vaccinating, possible extended rear facing, baby wearing momma.

Pretty much, I'm becoming a "hippy" mom.  And I'm okay with that. 

Just further shows how your life changes with that first cry.  And will continue to change as he grows.

Until Next Time:
~MommyToBee